


False God

by Gabna43



Series: What She's Thinking [2]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:20:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22703839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabna43/pseuds/Gabna43
Summary: Sara ponders her relationship with Ava.Set before, during, and after 4.12 [The Eggplant, the Witch, and the Wardrobe]Mostly canon (the one Mick-accompanied incident aside).
Relationships: Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Series: What She's Thinking [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1633009
Comments: 4
Kudos: 116





	False God

# “False God”

by Gabna43

It had been two weeks, three days, and seventeen hours since she had seen or talked to Ava. 

Even during the most intense missions or when facing the highest rated anachronisms in the field, she made it a point never to go more than a day without communicating with Ava throughout the seven months they had been together post-Mallus. 

Sara was far from a relationship expert. Most of hers had failed spectacularly, usually because she fled when feelings threatened to become real or when her back was against the wall in some way, but Ava was different. 

Sara had successfully pushed her away once, using a speech almost identical to the one she gave Oliver Queen when she left him to go back to the League. 

The speech had felt radically different to her the second time around, though, like she was losing a very important part of herself, and she had almost changed her mind mid-speech so she could grab Ava and never let her go. 

They had only been together for a few weeks at that point, but Ava made her happier than she had ever been. 

When she had become the monster who almost killed her team, she could not easily forgive herself, even though her friends readily accepted her apology with love, kindness, and understanding. 

Yet she had also realized she would never forgive herself if something had happened to her lover, if she had harmed Ava in the same way she had her crew. So she had wisely cut things off between them before her girlfriend could get hurt, or at least more hurt by the monster Sara was inside. 

It was for the best, or so she told herself at the time. 

Damien Darhk of all people had reminded her that her monster, her darkness could only be kept at bay alongside the presence of light. 

At the beginning of this journey through space-time, Laurel had told her that the offer to become a Legend gave Sara the opportunity to step into that light, to be the White Canary. 

While she had grown and developed into a more than competent captain, a hero even, there was a part of her that was always going to belong to the darkness. 

She could not be the light on her own. 

When she pushed Ava away after her possession, she needed to believe that doing so was a greater act of love than keeping the Director around her to be pulled into that darkness alongside her. 

Darhk forced her to admit to herself that she had let her love go because she was afraid, not just of what she might do to hurt Ava but also of how her lover might react if - likely when - she truly saw Sara and knew who Sara was. 

Her decision was made to protect Ava, but it also did a damn fine job of protecting herself from the rejection she believed she deserved and had expected on a daily basis since they got together. 

But Darhk had also forced her to admit why Ava, and only Ava, had been able to pull her back when Mallus and the death totem took her over – she loved the woman, heart and soul. 

Ava had the power to save her, yes, but that meant she also had the power to disarm and perhaps destroy Sara. 

Darhk knew why her soul had walked out of Mallus’ realm. He knew who had given her the strength to push the demon out of her, once and for all. 

And even though the love he stressed also explained why a deadly assassin pulled blows that could have easily killed her team and instead only severely injured them, she knew he was pointing her back to Ava as her source of salvation and redemption. 

While she had loved Oliver and certainly had loved Nyssa, both were part of the darkness. 

Neither could offer her balance because they shared a past like hers, scattered with blood, regret, lies, and betrayal. 

She could love them and be with them for a time, but in the end, neither could give her the unwavering light she needed to keep the nightmares away. 

When she finally confessed her love to Ava, it appeared to be too little, too late, especially since the Director was still reeling from their discoveries in 2213. 

However, after they had, had a chance to sit down and really talk -- after Mallus, after Beebo and the three armies, after Aruba – Sara was relieved that Ava reciprocated her love, not that anyone with eyes had doubted that for a second. 

They would figure it all out. Together. 

In their seven months together since then, Sara had tried not to take Ava for granted. She still couldn’t express her feelings very well or share what she was thinking, as words were simply not her forte. 

She tried to let her actions speak for her. 

She wanted Ava to know that while her life as Captain was often insane and all-consuming, there wasn’t a day that went by that Sara did not wish she had spent at least an hour of it beside her girlfriend. 

Reaching out to her randomly on any given day let Ava know how much she loved her, at least she hoped it did. 

When Ava had hung up on her after the Legends saved the Kopei and when she quietly but firmly told Sara to leave her office, she had believed that all would eventually be well. 

After all, this was not the first time their missions had been in direct conflict with each other, nor had it been the first time she had lied to Ava in the course of their respective jobs. 

Each agency/team had vastly different priorities, and the women leading those teams had vastly different personalities. 

These things were bound to happen, but they had worked through them before. 

What had surprised Sara was that Ava did not even seem angry when they spoke in the Director’s office – just tired, sad, and resigned. 

There had been no tears in Ava’s eyes when she said she was done, when she said she had already given everything in her life, every aspect of who she was but that wasn’t enough. 

There was only finality. 

Sara hadn’t really been willing to acknowledge that at the time. 

She had just assumed, or rather hoped, that after a day or two of separation, the two of them would talk it out and then work it out further in the afterglow. 

What she couldn’t say with words, she could always communicate to Ava when making love with her. 

How much she wanted her. 

How much she trusted her. 

How much she respected her. 

How much she needed her. 

How much she loved her. 

How much of a truly equal partner Sara believed Ava to be. 

But then a day of separation had turned into three days and three days into a week. 

Then two. 

No word. No response. 

Z and Nate had not seen Ava at the Bureau, and Gary had told them that she had been ordered to take a month off to adjust her priorities. 

No one, not even Gary, could explain what that meant other than Ava was nowhere to be seen, and no one had heard from her. 

Several fellow gossips at the Bureau had shared with Mona the rumors that Ava had, had some kind of emotional breakdown and had been in the process of trashing her office when Hank found her and ordered her to take time off. 

That didn’t sound like Ava, especially given how oddly calm she had been the last time Sara saw her, but then again, she had also never just cut off all communication. 

In between chasing a painfully honest Richard Nixon and saving Jane Austen’s writing career, Sara had, had to admit to herself that perhaps her relationship with Ava really was over. 

Ava not speaking to her had caused a hole in her chest to grow with each passing day, and the events of the missions were not helping her keep her mind off of their time together…especially that Kamadeva-induced dream. Holy fuck was that dream hot. 

But the dream also left her mourning when she woke. She likely would never have the opportunity to try out some of those nifty Sutra-inspired moves with her amazing lover. 

So Sara had done what she always did to survive - she tried to shut down, to shut it all away. 

It may not have been fair for her to lash out at Mona in the RV, but Sara’s turn with the truth bug forced her to say the quiet part out loud – she had lost Ava. 

She was even denied the peace of mind of knowing that -- while she might be hurting inside -- Ava was at least physically fine because no one had seen her, not even her ex in Vegas who Sara and Mick had ruthlessly tracked down and happily intimidated into calling Ava to check on her, to no avail - only a full voicemail box. 

Ava had also not attended Hank’s funeral, which to Sara seemed like a rather surprising breach of protocol, even if the Director was on suspension. 

The little voice inside her head whispering that something might be wrong was getting louder. 

Ava had promised that nothing, not even Sara’s lying or her crazy antics or even her working with John Constantine, would make her stop loving Sara. Surely that promise had to mean something. 

Thus, Sara stood outside Ava’s apartment door two weeks, three days, and seventeen hours after Ava had asked her to leave the Time Bureau office. 

Not that she was counting. 

  


******************

  


When she returned to the apartment less than an hour later with Nora and John in tow, she was struggling to hold her emotions in check. 

Finding the place ransacked and evidence of a wide-ranging fight through Ava’s kitchen and living room had worried Sara. 

She had sprinted back onto the Waverider and through the ship to find John. Surely if he had the ability to find her when she succumbed to the death totem, he could help her find Ava. 

Nora being on the ship was just an added bonus – two masters of the dark arts and a scared, pissed off, self-loathing assassin had at least some small chance of finding the Bureau Director. 

She couldn’t be dead. 

Ava could not be dead. 

There was so much Sara wanted to say. So many parts of her that she still needed to share with Ava. So many things they needed to do and see together. 

So much life left to live by her side. 

The musty smell, the mail in her hands, everything she could see in the apartment suggested that Ava had been gone for weeks. 

If Neron had known that she and Ava had argued and used that opportunity to suggest that Hank suspend her from the Bureau so no one would notice her absence, then Sara had to fundamentally rewire her thoughts about their relationship. 

Ava may not have been ignoring her…at least not the entire time. 

Ava was in trouble. 

Neron had taken advantage of her and Ava’s fight and Ava’s subsequent suspension to strike out at the emotionally vulnerable Director. 

She tossed the mail aside with shaking hands. 

_Ava._

This was partially her fault. 

She should have known. 

She should have trusted in Ava and what they had. 

She should have come looking for her weeks ago, mission be damned. 

In trying to respect Ava’s wishes – outside of the myriad of increasingly desperate calls and texts – Sara had instead placed the woman she loved in grave danger. 

They had to find her.

As she, Constantine, and Nora searched the apartment, Sara paused, noticing one item in particular. 

There, on the small square entrance table where she and Ava threw their keys, the mail, extra ponytail holders, bobby pins, everything the average time traveling heroines might toss onto the nearest flat surface upon entering their home. There sat the picture they had taken together just a month earlier, laughing and joyful. 

They had both looked so happy, so at ease with each other in the picture that Sara had immediately gone and had a copy of it framed for her girlfriend so that even if she was not in the apartment every night, Ava could have a visual reminder every time she came into the house and every time she left that house that Sara loved her. 

In spite of their argument, the picture was still there. 

Ava had not turned it over or put it away. 

Sara had, had to put her copy of the pic into her bedside table days earlier for her own sanity. 

But maybe Ava had not intended to end their relationship. 

She began to notice other things, too, that suggested Ava had not come home and immediately packed up Sara’s belongings to send to the Waverider in the tidy, efficient box that she had half expected Gary to deliver to her at any point over the past several weeks. 

Like her teams’ medals hanging on the wall. 

Her pink, fuzzy slippers tucked under her favorite chair. 

Her copy of Rebecca Silver’s latest novel - Ava-cringe-inducing page folded down to mark her place - on the kitchen island. 

Her Tibetian meditation bowl and three of her most-prized ornamental daggers on the bookcase. 

The bottle of Captain Jiwe spiced rum that neither could bear to part with or to finish drinking – yes, it was still there in its place in the kitchen. In _their_ kitchen. 

Even beyond the mess, it was obvious to Sara that Ava had not removed evidence of/reflections of their relationship from the apartment. 

That gave her hope, followed by a heightened sense of cold, dark fear. 

**Where the hell was Ava?**

She heard Nora gasp and turned from her own examination of the apartment. 

“He had her here.”

The blood on the broken mirror almost forced a break in Sara’s façade. Not that she hadn’t seen more copious amounts of blood before, often as the result of her own hand, but this was different. This was Ava’s blood, and it meant that she had utterly and completely failed to protect her. 

Her lover was a badass who could handle any fight, as she was almost Sara’s equal in hand to hand combat, but fighting a demon took more than strength and training. 

The Captain’s experiences over the past four years had taught her that no one, no matter how strong, could easily fend off a demon on their own. 

But perhaps they could have done so together had Sara been there. 

She had been so caught up in justifying her own actions, for defending lying to her girlfriend, for trying to reconcile Ava’s defense of torturing magical creatures with the woman who held her heart, for refusing to back down from her righteous indignation about Hank and the men in black that she had missed the point. 

The Director had needed her, and Sara had been miles and years away, protecting herself against the possibility that she had lost her girlfriend, focused on putting mission first and covering her own pain. 

Now Ava was gone anyway. 

Just not the way she expected. 

From what Nora was saying there was hope, hope that they could find Ava, and she could try to make this right. 

All she wanted was to see and talk to her maybe-not-ex-girlfriend again, no matter what that was going to require of her. 

  


****************

  


“This isn’t something you can just fight your way through, love.” 

“John, _please._ ” 

They had found Ava. 

Her body, though now marked with ugly runes and symbols, was mostly in one piece. Gideon had assured her that Ava could recover fully from a physical-health standpoint. 

IF - and this was a big if - she could bring Ava’s soul back from purgatory. 

She understood John’s reluctance to send her in. Who knew what the woman’s darkest fears were or what she might encounter on the other side. 

But there was absolutely nothing and no one who could stop Sara from trying to reach her. 

She wanted to yell at John. She wanted to punch him as he objected to her going into purgatory. 

How could he not know how much she loved Ava? How desperate Sara was to get to her? 

She understood the jibing, sarcastic half-admiration, half-jealously that simmered between Ava and John. But he had witnessed Ava bring her back from the Mallus-enhanced death totem. He knew the power of what they shared. 

The logical part of her also appreciated John’s unspoken warning and his hesitation – his concern that her own darkness and somewhat recent demon possession might play a significant factor in whether or not she could successfully free Ava or even return from purgatory herself. 

But she had to try. 

She would not give up on her, even if there was the smallest chance that she could have one more moment with her lover. 

All of the unspoken longing, pain, anger, regret, fear, and anguish showed in the look she gave Constantine after her “please.” 

It had taken every ounce of willpower she had not to break down the moment they had found Ava battered and bruised but alive in that hotel room. Ava needed her help, so Sara could deal with the rest of it later. 

Push it down. 

Do what needs to be done. 

Whatever John had seen in her eyes was enough to convince him, apparently, that further argument against her going in after Ava was pointless. 

After one last mixed look at the love of her life, she settled into the chair. 

  


***************

  


_Damn it._

They were finally talking. 

About their relationship. 

About the argument. 

About their differences as people that could be perfect in balance. 

About their fears and hopes and dreams. 

About the future together. 

About their insecurities. 

Purgatory may not be the ideal spot for a relationship-healing conversation, but they had been finding their way back to each other over the course of the experience. 

Then Sara lost her temper. 

She lashed out. 

She closed off. 

Ava was just… 

Gone. 

Again. 

_Oh no._

Sara looked down the seemingly endless rows of AVAs in which she was supposed to find her girlfriend. 

  


They had spent a lot of time talking about Ava’s thoughts, feelings, and coping mechanisms – this was her purgatory after all – but Sara did not know how to just let herself and her relationship be… simple. 

She had felt trapped in that moment. 

She had no idea how Ava had lasted weeks in this place without going mad. The incessant, chipper elevator music and continually being surrounded by obnoxiously happy, overly affectionate, madly in love couples would have likely sent Sara packing a few hours in. 

Ava was stronger than she was in many ways. Her ability to endure what would make most people lose their minds could come from having to work in a government bureaucracy with Gary or it could just be part of being Ava. 

Sara could stoically handle torture, suffering, grief, pain, manipulation, etc., but she would eventually reach a point of no return when she would respond based on pure feeling, usually rage. 

Every emotion she had held in check over the past two weeks had rushed out in that kitchen/mail/trash nightmare. 

It had all been building through every “ignored” call, text, email, emoticon, meme, and picture she had sent into the void, pleading with Ava to talk to her. 

It had been building from when she had been forced to abandon the Waverider for a Winnebago. 

It had been building since Nora supposedly killed Hank, and Ray felt partially responsible. 

It had been building as she listened to Mona lash out at Charlie and Z for encouraging her to find love again. 

It had been building since she woke up from an amazing dream and reached for Ava but found a cold, bare space beside her instead. 

Sara could be composed, but she had no idea what she needed to say to help them get out of there and that inability to figure it out just seemed to push her over the edge. 

She wanted to say something that meant everything, something that unlocked all the doors in Ava’s subconscious. 

Something that could literally and figuratively free them both. 

But she could not find and did not know the right words. 

She could not promise Ava a normal, domestic life, and she was afraid that, that is what her lover wanted and needed from her. 

The idea of marriage didn’t scare her, not really, especially marriage with Ava. 

A big part of her had pretty much already decided that Ava was it, the one for her. That she was ready – finally – to be a one-woman woman, as long as she had breath and Ava would still have her. 

Honestly, that acceptance - quiet and still in the moment it clicked within her during their summer camp adventure months ago - had been a weight lifted. 

She had felt herself breathe freely for the first time since before she had died, since, perhaps, before she had even stepped foot on the _Queen’s Gambit._

Captain Sara Lance knew exactly who she was, and she was finally okay with who she was. 

She had found herself in Ava only after she was willing to lose herself in Ava. 

It made sense in her head at the time. 

She hadn’t, of course, shared any of this with her lover. She couldn’t find the words to express what she just knew was right. She was also a bit scared to voice the feelings out loud, afraid to tempt fate. 

Loving someone seemed to lead to disaster in her life thus far, so it had been easier to avoid putting herself in a situation where love was possible. Even if she were willing to love someone, she believed it impossible to think or plan beyond the next week or so, no matter who she was with. 

In Sara’s mind, something stupid like believing in forever was just asking for fate to kick her ass. 

So she said nothing. 

And she had still managed to lose her, or at least she thought she had. 

Coming to purgatory after Ava wasn’t so much about giving fate the middle finger but about reclaiming what was hers. 

She was no longer afraid of fate because their relationship was worth it. Being without her for the past weeks had proven that to Sara. 

She still had doubts about whether or not Ava deserved someone better, someone more like the Bureau Director with less of a spotty past and fewer demons. 

Someone better able to follow at least some guidelines and less of a not-good-at-it-but-still-try-to-get-away-with-it white liar. 

Someone less likely to charge into a situation like a bulldozer with guns blazing. 

But she also trusted Ava to know exactly who and what she was getting. 

Ava saying that she wanted to grow old with her in spite of everything they had been through and everything she knew about Sara began to soothe some of her pain and anger caused by their separation. 

She chose Sara. 

And Sara chose her. 

But Sara didn’t choose a life of domesticated bliss. 

She just could not wrap her mind around the everyday, boring domesticity of being. 

Her comment to John months ago about her being a stay at home, kept woman were beyond amusing. 

This purgatory may have been designed to push Ava to her breaking point, but it had been Sara who had lost her composure. 

She was not going to spend the rest of her life being normal, no matter what her girlfriend wanted. 

Their first argument in the middle of their first date, unconventional as it had been, was about this very thing. 

She was not normal and could not be normal for anyone. 

Oliver had tried to settle her down. Nyssa had tried to worship her. 

Both wanted her to be something she could not be. 

She wanted to live wild and free _with_ Ava. 

She was not willing or even able to give up the wild. 

Why couldn’t Ava see that? 

She also was not willing, however, to give Ava up, either. 

It was all about choices. 

_Damn it._

Ava was right. Again. As usual. 

_Another long sigh._

Actually creating a life together meant that they both needed to make some changes, some hard choices. 

They were sharing stolen moments and stolen nights together, but such moments were not a life lived together. 

Ava had not said she wanted Sara to be normal, regardless of what she had heard in that Ikea hell kitchen.

Instead, Ava had said that there were occasions where being normal was simply part of living but that those brief bursts of domesticity could exist alongside Sara’s need for adventure. 

One did not have to be completely removed from the other. 

A hobby like a book club couldn’t be _too_ bad, right? 

But it was too late for her to respond in any way other than frustrated anger. 

Ava had simply disappeared. 

And now, for her, it really was about having to make the hard choices – and quickly – because Tabitha was coming, and Sara had no idea where or how to find her Ava. 

  


**************

  


She waited, terrified, afraid to breathe for what seemed like forever. 

Was it really that simple? 

Was her telling her lover what she thought, or more accurately _assumed_ , Ava had known all along really the key to them both walking out of this nightmare? 

Was Ava afraid that she still thought about being with other people, with other women? That Sara may be looking for something different in someone else? 

That Ava wasn’t enough for her? 

“I don’t want other women” wasn’t some powerful, life altering declaration in Sara’s mind. 

Ava should already know that. 

But clearly she didn’t. 

Clearly Ava had been sitting in that “As Is” section crying, agonizingly waiting and believing that Sara would choose someone else, some other AVA. 

Someone who was something different, something better than what Ava believed herself to be. 

Sara tried to convey all of her love, desire, need, respect, longing, trust, and hope in that one kiss. 

Her life was only complete with Ava in it, with Ava beside her. 

She hoped her lover could feel that in her kiss, could see that in her eyes when she pulled back. 

But she hadn’t had the chance to say or do anything else before she was forcefully expelled from purgatory. 

Had it been enough for Ava to accept and believe how much Sara loved her and needed her to come home? 

She stared at Ava’s lifeless body, almost hearing the seconds tick by painfully. 

Waiting. 

Then Ava gasped and those beautiful blue-gray eyes opened, searching for her. 

Finding her. 

And she smiled up at her with a look of love and peace. 

They had done it. Together. 

  


**************

  


She couldn’t help but watch her. 

Sara straightened up the living room furniture, but her eyes didn’t stray from her girlfriend for too long. 

Something had shifted between them, certainly within her. 

Knowing what life was like after having been in a relationship with Ava and then not having that relationship had shown Sara how much she had to lose. 

It would definitely change her behavior. 

She wouldn’t risk her relationship with Ava again for a mission, and telling the truth, no matter how hard, was something she now owed herself and her partner. 

Sara paused. 

“Girlfriend” just didn’t really suit what Ava was to her now. 

She didn’t think that they actually needed to have a ceremony, not that she would be strongly opposed to such a thing somewhere down the line when their lives were a little less messy. 

But she was Ava’s and Ava was hers. Period. 

No certificate would make their relationship more real or true…though a small voice inside told her she better put a ring on Ava’s finger eventually just to address her own part in causing/exacerbating the Director’s insecurities where their relationship was concerned. 

For now, though, the amazing, breathtaking, beautiful woman moving gingerly around the apartment was all she cared about. 

They worked in tandem, cleaning, disposing, rearranging until the only things out of place were the two plates she was drying. 

As Ava took them from her to put them up, Sara could not look away. For a brief moment, everything she felt about Ava showed on her face. 

She could not have hidden her emotions then, even if she wanted to. 

Ava saw it. She could see into her, could see right through her. 

Though Ava asked what she was thinking, Sara knew that her partner already knew the answer. 

Ava was her everything. Her heart. 

The keeper of her soul. 

_Her North, her South, her East, her West._

Her Sun. Her Moon. 

She had no words, but she didn’t need the words right then. 

The light shining on her face, in her eyes was radiant. 

As Ava reached for her, she said she wanted to thank Sara for saving her, but they had saved each other. 

Later, as their souls joyously and passionately reunited, Sara believed they could never truly be separated again. 

They were home. 

**Author's Note:**

> The deleted scene between the two of them at the end of 4.12 is just so beautiful and so moving. I hate that it did not make it into the episode (though easily found on youtube) because it wraps up everything they've experienced together in purgatory in such a perfect way. For me, it's one of the few times we see Sara's serious, total love of Ava so apparent. The completely open look on her face needs no words, especially in the way they chose to light that scene. Breathtaking.
> 
> I could not get that look out of my mind, especially since her emotion/look there is such a contrast to her shut down/closed off look through the first part of the episode. So, I had to write about what she was thinking throughout that time that lead from one to the other.


End file.
